


A Secret's Worth

by ohmytheon



Series: Royai kid [7]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alchemy, F/M, Family Feels, Family Secrets, Mama Hawk, Motherhood, Other, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Parental Roy Mustang, Parenthood, Post-Canon, Post-Series, Royai kid, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-02-03 05:25:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12741900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmytheon/pseuds/ohmytheon
Summary: Riza and Roy find out that their teenage son is studying alchemy without their knowing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to post this under "we'll give the world to you", but then the next part is really going to focus on also Roy's and Riza's relationships with alchemy and how it concerns Aidan. I decided this should be its own thing.

_“A secret's worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept.”_  
―  **Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind**

 

*

 

Privacy was an important thing in the Fuhrer’s household. They didn’t get it very often, so it was a big deal whenever they got it. Riza in particular had not been used to the spotlight, so now that she felt like she was always in it, she really cherished those moments when it was just them. She knew that a lack of privacy was a part of the package, but it was still frustrating to deal with. Sometimes, it felt like being with Roy meant no privacy, but she wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Of course, there were some things that had to be kept secret.

The flame alchemy tattoo on her back, for example, was one thing that was never brought up. It was destroyed beyond repair and the key to the alchemy with it, but they could not take any chances. Alchemists were getting more clever with each passing day. Both she and Roy knew that it was more than likely a reality that someone out there was trying to figure out the secrets to flame alchemy just as her father had. No one but Roy knew them. An alchemy like his though was too powerful to pass by. However damaged it was, the tattoo would still help.

Besides, it was just one more twisted part of their history and Riza didn’t want that in the open. She knew that people would take that information and turn it into something to use against Roy. The fact was, their history was complicated and impossible and it was theirs. As far as anyone knew, they had not met until the Ishval War and she wanted to keep it that way. Their past was their own, not the public’s.

Some secrets were good. She wasn’t prone to keeping them, but she knew when they were a necessity. Who had known that Roy keeping his true ties with Madam Christmas would come in handy one day? There were very few secrets inside the Fuhrer’s mansion these days, but there were some.

Riza just hadn’t expected them to come from her own son.

As far as teenagers were concerned, Aidan was not one for lying or keeping secrets. One, he knew that it was almost impossible with him being their son; and two, he’d always had a habit of being very honest. When it came to his emotions, he bit his tongue just as much as anyone, but he didn’t go out of his way to hide things from them. If he was asked about something, generally speaking, he was forthcoming. She knew that when he told her something, he was being truthful. She considered herself very lucky.

Because of this, they never felt the urge to rifle through his things or comb his room. They left his bedroom to himself, giving him the little bit of privacy that they could afford. After all, they didn’t have people rooting around their bedroom. Breda had replaced Havoc for a week after Havoc had rushed in to give important news without knocking, far too humiliated to show his face. Honestly, Riza hadn’t been able to face him either, although Roy had been smug about it.

Riza had been in his room a handful of times, but typically stayed out of it until one morning. Roy had decided to do some work from home, so she stayed there as well. The phone call had been out of the blue, on their personal line, surprising her. Most people would know to call HQ during this time of day.

“Hello?”

“Mom!”

There was a certain panic in her son’s voice that made Riza’s heart jump a little. “Aidan, what is it? Are you okay?”

“What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. It’s just–” Aidan sighed on the other side. “You know that huge research paper that I was working on?”

“Of course.”

“I left it on my desk and it’s due today. I know, I know. So dumb.”

Riza smiled. “And you need someone to bring it to you?”

“Please?”

“I’ll bring it to you during your lunch break.”

“Thanks, Mom, you’re the best.”

It was such an innocent request. A simple thing. Riza didn’t think anything of it. Aidan trusted her to go into his room and get his paper. If he did have anything worth hiding in there, it would be awfully dumb to send his mom in there, even more so to be hiding it in the first place with parents like his. There was very little he could get away with even if he tried.

For the most part, Aidan’s room was clean. It could do with a little more tidying, but it was probably better than most teenage boy’s rooms. Rebecca said that she had to constantly harp on Bran, who was a self-proclaimed “organized disaster”. Riza had almost laughed when she heard him say that. Roy said the same thing. She didn’t believe Roy and she didn’t believe Bran either. Aidan’s rooms had a few books lying about, his bed haphazardly done, and a half drank cup of coffee on his desk, which was covered in things.

Shaking her head, Riza went through the papers and books on his desk. This was a mess and reminded her exactly of Roy when he had been studying alchemy under her father. Along with his alchemy lessons, he had to keep up with his regular studies and the two generally crossed each other. The few times she’d been in the room he was staying in, she’d wondered how he knew where anything was. Aidan was a testament to that.

Just when Riza grabbed the paper, something caught her eye. Something very familiar. Something else that reminded her of Roy when he was Aidan’s age. Pushing the paper and a book aside, Riza gently swept her fingertips across a paper with a hand-drawn alchemy transmutation on it. At its side were notes written unmistakably in her son’s neat print.

Riza’s heart almost stopped beating. Alchemy. Her son. She didn’t know what it was, but she knew someone that would. A part of her wanted to drop a book back over it, put it back in hiding, forget it ever existed – but then, she couldn’t do that with the transmutation tattoo on her back no matter how hard she tried. It would always be there, just like this moment in her memories.

Her son was looking into alchemy – and he hadn’t told her.

Upon further examination, she found more notes, hidden away innocuously in books that had nothing to do with alchemy or at least she didn’t think so. She had a feeling that if she did some more searching, she would actually find alchemy books, but she didn’t want to do anymore looking. She already felt as if she’d found enough. The rest she would want to hear from him, but she didn’t know if she should say anything.

If Aidan wanted to study alchemy, he had every right. Alchemy wasn’t evil in itself. Alchemy wasn’t bad.

She just didn’t know why he’d kept his interest in it a secret.

(Bodies burnt beyond recognition half-buried in rubble and sand. Buildings, homes, churches – destroyed beyond repair. Women and children crying, giant walls blocking their escape from bullets. Blood, blood, so much blood. And the smell of burnt flesh, others and her own.)

She should leave it. She should put it back. She should pretend that she never saw it.

Instead Riza found herself heading towards Roy’s office and knocking on the door before entering.

Roy’s head was bent over his desk, busy at work. Without raising his head, he asked, “Yes?” But Riza didn’t know how to answer. She could still hide the paper behind her back. She could still act like this was nothing. However, by the time he lifted his head to look at her, she hadn’t yet decided, so her face was open and he immediately saw the indecision in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Riza held up the piece of paper. “I was wondering if you knew what this was.”

Roy cocked his head in confusion, but he held out his hand so that he could take the paper from her. The confusion faded away quickly as soon as his eyes landed on the notes, replaced by recognition, only to jump right back. His brow furrowed deeply and he moved forward as if getting closer might help him understand more. She could see him coming to the same conclusions as her.

“This is…” He didn’t seem to know what to think.

“I know.”

Roy brought his gaze back to her. “This is not a simple array. This is some fairly complex stuff.” He leaned back in his seat, but didn’t take his hand away from the paper. “He didn’t just start working on this.”

“How long, do you think?” Riza asked.

“If I had to guess…” Roy sighed and pushed his glasses up slightly so that he could pinch the bridge of his nose in thought. “Two, maybe a little under three years? He doesn’t have anyone teaching him like I did, so he’s figuring things out at a slower rate on his own.”

“How do we know he doesn’t?”

“We’d know.” Roy stated it with such surety, but now Riza didn’t know.

Aidan was not the type of person to lie, but then he had never brought up an interest in alchemy. He’d kept it from them and not for just a few days or weeks. Years – he’d hidden all of this for years and they’d never even know. This had blindsided her. How could she have not seen this? How could she have not known? How had he managed to keep this to himself for so long? Who else knew? Bran? Ally? Anyone? How? Why? He’d never lied to her like this ever before. Why hadn’t he wanted to tell her?

It wasn’t a bad thing. Alchemy wasn’t a bad thing, she kept telling herself, and he didn’t have to tell them about all of his interests. So why did she feel hurt?

“But I can’t imagine that he’s learned all of this on his own,” Roy continued, his focus back on the array. “Alchemy is best learned when you have someone to…bounce your ideas off of.” He sat upright again and picked up the paper, as if it might tell him all the answers. “He does call Fullmetal’s house fairly often.”

Riza’s heart jumped. “You don’t think…” She bit her lip. “Edward would tell us if Aidan was interested in alchemy, don’t you think?”

“Maybe, but if Aidan specifically asked him not to…” Roy set the paper down and looked up at her. “His oldest girl, on the other hand, Sara – he’s told me that she’s into alchemy and she would keep it a secret if she knew.” He tapped the array with his fingertip and nodded his head shortly. “Two bright kids their age working on alchemy together – both Fullmetal and I did the same damn thing.”

It made sense. Aidan had been close with Sara for many years. He’d even taken her to one of his school dances when she was visiting since she’d never gone to one before. They were good friends. Both of them loved reading and very much into their academic studies. Despite not being able to see each other often, their friendship never seemed to suffer. And because of her distance, she would be an easy source to confide in concerning alchemy, especially since she was the daughter of the famed Fullmetal Alchemist.

“How didn’t I know?” Riza asked herself aloud. “How did I not see this coming?”

Roy’s lips twisted. “Well, Aidan has never expressed an outright interest in alchemy…”

“Did  _you_  know?” Riza questioned him.

Her husband, vague as ever, shrugged his shoulders. “I had a hunch that perhaps… The day we made up after that fight, he made a comment about equivalent exchange. At the time, I thought he was just trying to connect with me to apologize, but then…” Roy frowned, almost like he was pouting. “I kind of hoped that he would ask  _me_  about alchemy if he was interested.”

“When Aidan was little, he was so fixated on your ignition gloves,” Riza pointed out. Now that she was thinking about it, she could recall so many moments when Aidan brought it up. It was always out of nowhere. They would see Roy one day – back when he was “Not Dad” – and Aidan would mention Roy’s gloves so innocuously. Roy wasn’t wearing them that day or he was and Aidan would be excited. “And when he saw my tattoo when he was little, he made the connection to your gloves. I can’t lie: I’d hoped he’d forgotten that.”

Roy finally lifted his eyes to her. “Do you think he could feel our shame and kept it to himself, thinking we might disapprove of him learning alchemy?”

“I don’t know,” Riza admitted. “Maybe. He’s always seemed…”

“Ambivalent about it,” Roy finished for her, “like he doesn’t care.”

“Exactly,” Riza agreed. It was a like pieces of a puzzle falling into place. “But he loved your flame alchemy when he was little. He still admires it.”

“He’s also smart enough to read about the history of the Ishval War and know what it means,” Roy added. He slumped in his seat, throwing his head back and closing his eyes, and let out a groan. She still thought he didn’t look his age, but in this moment, he seemed incredibly worn down. “How many kids in Amestris had to learn secondhand that their parents committed genocide using something they admired? He probably feels conflicted about his interest in alchemy.”

Being reminded of her time there still stung. Not as much as it used to, but in a different way. She would never be over it – the Ishval War had shaped the second half of her life – but it was hard for her to accept that it had also had a large impact on her son’s life as well despite it happening over a decade before he was born.

“So what do we do?” Riza asked. “Do we talk to him about this? Should we wait for him to bring it up?”

“He kept this us for a reason,” Roy pointed out. “I’d like to know why.”

Riza shook her head. “This is not going to end well and you know it.”

“Why is it when alchemy is involved, it never does?” Roy pondered. She didn’t want to say it out loud, but she had been wondering the same thing. She just wanted her son to be happy. So why did this bother her? One thing was for certain: it was going to be an uncomfortable ride.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got way out of hand. I really wanted to delve deep into Riza’s point of view on how alchemy has affected her life. I’m not sure if I achieved quite what I wanted, but this is very massive. I kind of think this is heavy-handed with talking (especially since it’s stuff we already know), but writing Riza’s feelings on alchemy when it comes to her son was really important to me. I feel like we think a lot about how alchemy affects Roy, Edward, and Alphonse, but really, Riza’s entire life has been shaped by it. ANYWHOOOO – this also brings up how Aidan saw Riza’s tattoo when he was little in my one-shot "fire leaves a confession", although I don’t think it’s necessary to read. Hell, I think this could actually stand on its own.

 

 _"Because this is what I believe - that second chances are stronger than secrets. You can let secrets go. But a second chance? You don't let that pass you by.”_  
―  **Daisy Whitney, When You Were Here**

 

*

 

It took three days before Riza worked up the courage to speak to her son about his secret. She couldn’t remember a time when she had been so hesitant. Afraid, yes, but hesitant, no. That had never stopped her before. She had always gone full steam ahead with everything that was thrown her way. She fought until the very end. She did not worry about the consequences concerning herself when she had ignored them before.

But when it came to her son? My god, she was terrified.

Aidan had not only hid his interest in alchemy from her and Roy, but he had hid his studying of it as well. Not just for a few weeks, but for years. Her sweet boy, her good boy, her loving, kind, wonderful boy.

He’d _lied_ to her.

How many times had she asked him what he was doing that night or after school or on break and he had told her something else that had nothing to do with alchemy? She knew her son. He hadn’t exactly lied to her. Whatever he had told her was the truth – he had been doing whatever he’d said – but it wasn’t the entire truth. He’d omitted bits and pieces of his life without her even knowing. He had kept parts of his life out of his mouth.

Riza could almost laugh. Part of why she had had such difficulty was that she had done the same thing so much of his life. Did he even know it? Could he possibly know? There was so much between her and Roy that no one else knew but them. There was so much that neither one of them had told him. God, she had forced Aidan to pretend like Roy wasn’t even his father for the first four years of his life.

How could she be upset with him for simply hiding a part of himself from her when she had hid him from the world?

When push came to shove though, Riza knew that she needed to speak with him, not for her own piece of mind, but because it was time. She didn’t want him to feel like he had to hide a piece of himself from her. Aidan was her son. She wanted to know all of him. She wanted him to know that she loved and accepted all of him. She never wanted him to feel afraid, especially of her.

The only way she could face this was to do it outright and so, after knocking on his bedroom door and waiting for him to respond, Riza walked in and set the piece of paper with the transmutation array on his desk where he was sitting.

Aidan’s face, once bright and cheerful, dropped instantly as his eyes locked onto the paper with recognition. Every inch of happiness, his sweetness, his adoration, drained from his face as he realized what was happening. It broke her heart more than she expected.

“Oh,” was the first thing that slipped out of his mouth.

“I found this the other day when I was looking for your paper.” Upfront, honest. If she wanted him to be truthful with her, she needed to be the same with him. Riza sat down on the edge of his loosely made bed, keeping her eyes on him while his was locked on the array. “Why didn’t you tell me you were interested in alchemy?”

“I…” Aidan bit his lip as he lifted a hand to touch the paper gently. He looked exactly like Roy had when she had handed it over to him the other day. Careful, knowing, guarded even. This was him, just as it was Roy, and for a moment, Riza didn’t recognize him. Alchemy, for however much it had shaped her life, was not her world. This was a side of him that she’d never seen before or even thought to consider. “I guess I was scared.”

“Why?” It panged Riza’s heart to think that her son was afraid to tell her something or afraid of her. Suddenly, she knew how Roy felt – how he had been afraid of how Aidan would react to his flame alchemy. Neither one of them had realized just how much it had affected him. “I’m not mad, you know. Did you think I would be upset?”

Aidan nodded his head. “And disappointed.”

“Why would you think that?”

Finally, Aidan raised his eyes to her. Ever since he was little, he had always been so open with her. She thought it came with the fact that for his first few years it was just him and her. It had always hurt Roy when his own son’s expression was closed off to him when Aidan was younger, even after she and Roy had married. Now she was faced with those same eyes and she felt lost.

“I know… I know you and Dad haven’t told me everything about your history,” Aidan told her. “There’s a lot I don’t know – a lot that I’ve never asked about – and I know you did it to protect me.” He reached to run his fingers through his hair, but seemed to catch himself and dropped his hand. “Alchemy has always felt like this…tangible force in the house – like it’s so present and important and yet… We don’t talk about it.”

“No, we don’t,” Riza agreed.

“Growing up, I thought Dad’s flame alchemy was so cool, but it was like you kept your distance from it,” Aidan continued. “When he’d tell me a story and use his alchemy, you would look away. If I commented on his ignition gloves, you’d smile, but you never seemed happy about it, like you wanted to pretend it didn’t exist..” He fiddled with his fingers in his lap, pulling at them until they popped. “And I didn’t want to make you unhappy and I thought alchemy did.”

Riza felt like her breath was taken right out of her lungs. To hear these things, to know that he had seen them and understood them even if he didn’t know the context, truly wounded her. He should never had had to deal with these things, but somehow, by not telling him, she and Roy had heaped more onto his mind.

“That’s not…” But was it? Was this not how she felt? It had been a long time since she had stopped to consider her own feelings on alchemy. Roy was who he was and his alchemy, her father’s alchemy, would always be a part of him. She loved him despite it, because of it, without it.

At the end of the day though, alchemy had burned a horrible mark on her life, hadn’t it? And now it was coming to take her son. Panic settled in her gut, though she refused to allow it to show. Her boy – her sweet, charming boy. He was too gentle. He was too caring. He was too good.

(He was bright and inquisitive and always striving for more, just as Roy had been at his age. Just as Edward had been. Hadn’t alchemy hurt them enough?)

“It’s…complicated,”  Riza finally settled on, knowing just how lame of a response it was.

Aidan’s shoulders dropped. “You  _are_  disappointed.”

Riza’s heart jumped into her throat as she hastily leaned forward to grab one of his hands. “No, no, Aidan, I’m not disappointed.” He let her take his hand and a feeling of relief swept through her. She had been afraid that he might pull away from her. Being physical had never been her thing, but it was different with her son. He kept to himself just as much as she did, but she always seemed to know when he needed more. “I could never be disappointed with you.”

“But you don’t like alchemy,” Aidan pointed out, guilt lacing his voice.

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” Riza told him, as best as she could. “It’s just…” She took a deep breath. “It scares me.”

“Scares you?” Aidan straightened up in his seat and stared at her. “Nothing scares you.”

Riza smiled gently. “If only that were so. Anything happening to you scares me.”

“I’m just studying it,” Aidan said, rolling his eyes.

“And one day, if you keep going, you won’t be ‘just studying’,” Riza sighed, looking down at their hands. He was growing so fast. It wouldn’t be much longer before he was taller than her. Soon, he’d hit another growth spurt and he wouldn’t be her little boy anymore. Already his hands were bigger than hers. Smooth, innocent, unmarked.

How long? The questioned burned in her heart. How long before they wouldn’t be? Alchemy did not seem to leave anyone innocent. Or was she still mixed up in the past? Could it be different now that things had changed and their country wasn’t steeped in lies?

Aidan looked at her steadily and Riza knew what she had to do. How long would they keep these things from him? She had heard from Edward that he was having the same issues. His kids were older now. They were asking questions, ones that he’d been avoiding. Some answers weren’t neat and some opened up doors long since closed, some secrets that had been buried. She knew that many of the things she and Roy had kept from him would hurt him and also change their view of them. Was she wrong in not wanting that to happen? Selfish?

“You know, your father was just like you at his age,” Riza started.

“You knew Dad then?”

Nodding her head, Riza told a secret long since buried: “He was my father’s apprentice.”

Aidan’s eyes widened. “I didn’t know that.”

“No one does.” This secret was hers and Roy’s and now it was Aidan’s. She knew that by telling him this he was not to tell anyone else, not even his closest friends. He was good at keeping secrets. She’d raised him that way, hadn’t she? His whole life was riddled with secrets, some that he didn’t even realize. It hurt her, thinking of that and how honest he usually was with her.

“But…why?” Aidan furrowed his brow. “Because you worked under him in the military?”

Would that it were so simple. Riza didn’t want to tell him the truth. She knew that this would irrevocably change things for him. But he deserved to know as well. At the end of the day, it was alchemy that had brought her and his father together – and it was also what had torn and kept them apart. He had come to be because of alchemy and in spite of it.

Riza shook her head. “My father figured out flame alchemy, not yours."

Aidan immediately sat up straight. “Seriously? So my dad learned his flame alchemy from your dad?”

The problem was that as simple as the truth was, it wasn’t simple at all. So much had been done to them and they had done so much to each other. She did not want to unload this burden on him. And yet… A part of her wondered if the truth about alchemy would turn him away from it. The thought made her feel guilty all over again. She just wanted him to be happy and if alchemy did that…

“Yes,” Riza replied, “and no.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Aidan questioned. He was still intrigued, but she saw the confusion on his face – and the wariness in his eyes, like he knew that something was wrong. He’d always been such an intuitive child, too much for his own good sometimes.

Riza pulled her hand away from him so that she could settle them in her lap. After years of working with a sniper rifle, her hands no longer trembled over anything, but for some reason, talking to her son about something that even she and Roy didn’t bring up anymore, she found herself feeling fidgety. She’d fought monsters and had been nearly killed so many times and yet confronting the truth about alchemy – perhaps one that she had hid from even herself – with her own flesh and blood was rattling.

“Do you remember when you were three and you saw the tattoo on my back?” Riza asked.

Aidan’s eyes drifted to the side as he thought back to that small moment so many years ago. He had been young enough where he might’ve forgotten it, but Riza never could. It had haunted her for so long, always coming back to her when she least suspected it, refusing to be let go. She had known that one day this day would happen and that memory had reminded her of it every time it came up. He’d been her baby boy then. So innocent and fragile. She could still remember his curiosity and how it had turned to confusion and then almost fear.

That was what alchemy was to her – that very moment – and she was frightened. It was a hard thing to admit

“Kind of,” Aidan finally said, still looking thoughtful and frowning. “It’s fuzzy.” He closed his eyes, as if he could somehow transport himself back to that moment. She wished he couldn’t. “Um, it was red. I thought someone colored on you.”

“Mmhm.”

He quirked his lips, his face screwing up in concentration. “Part of it, um… Part of it was messed up. Scratches.” His eyes whipped open and she could see it plain as day on his face. He knew. He didn’t understand, but he knew. Her boy was not the type to cry and he didn’t get angry very often, but he didn’t seem to know what to feel. “They aren’t scratches. They’re burn marks.”

“Yes, they are.” Her heart ached for him, but she didn’t know what else to say.

When she and Roy had talked about who would speak with Aidan first, they had decided on Riza. It was Roy’s alchemy, but in a way, her involvement was even more important. She knew that Roy was delighted over Aidan wanting to study alchemy like him, but also wary of it as well considering they both knew the consequences. And the fact was that no one understood those very same consequences quite like Riza, an outsider who had been drawn into alchemy and changed by it forever.

Roy also knew that when it came to explaining their history, Aidan would need to hear it from his mother first. When push came to shove, Aidan still went to Riza. It had always been like that. They worried that he might feel cornered if both of them sat down to speak with him. The matter shouldn’t have been so problematic. What other families out there, perhaps besides the Elrics’, were having this issue over something so small?

“Who…?” Aidan took a shaky breath. He knew, he knew. “Who would do that? Why?”

She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to tell him. She was afraid that he would never truly understand. She was afraid that he would hold it against Roy forever. Aidan was sweet and kind – but he was very unforgiving at times and he was so protective of her. He’d been like that as a little boy. It should never have fallen on him to protect her and she had tried to tell him that, but he hadn’t listened.

“Do you remember what it looked like?” Riza asked. She didn’t want to show it to him again. If no one ever saw it outside of herself and Roy, she would be at peace.

“I think…” Aidan swiveled around in his chair to grab a piece of paper and a pen. Closing his eyes once more, he concentrated and then opened his eyes and drew something. She could tell that he wasn’t pleased with the outcome from the way his lips twisted and he chewed on the pencap. He added one more thing and stopped with his pen mid-air. “It made me think of Dad’s ignition gloves.” He slowly turned to face her, a look mixed with comprehension and horror. “It’s not just a tattoo. It’s a transmutation array – for flame alchemy – isn’t it?”

Riza nodded her head. “My father’s notes on his life’s work.”

“He…” Aidan gripped the pen tight in his hand, like a weapon. “He did that to you? Your own father?”

“I agreed to it; I thought it would make him proud and pleased with me,” Riza told him as evenly as she could. There was more to it, of course, but it was hard for her to talk about. She didn’t want to bring up her father’s distance after her mother’s death or how his alchemy was the only thing that seemed to matter. Aidan was smart though. He’d probably get it from just knowing that his father had used her as a notebook for his work. “I wasn’t much older than you.”

Aidan looked back to whatever he’d drawn of her tattoo from his memory and then at the transmutation array that she had found. “That’s terrible.”

“He trusted me with his life’s work on alchemy and died shortly after.” That was that. Once he had unlocked the key to flame alchemy, it was as if living didn’t matter anymore.  She didn’t matter. The moment she had found out that she was pregnant, she had sworn to never act in such a way towards her child. Aidan would always know that he was loved and wanted. “And then, even though my father had disowned your father for joining the military, I entrusted him with flame alchemy.”

“That’s how he became the Flame Alchemist,” Aidan finished for her. “You.”

“Me. I gave him the code and he figured it out. He had such high aspirations and dreams of helping people and I knew he was a good person. How could I not?”

“And the burns… Did Dad…?” Aidan clenched his fists in his lap. “Were they an accident? Like when he was trying to learn it?”

He sounded so hopeful, but she could tell by the tremor in his voice that even he didn’t believe it.

“No, I asked him to do it,” Riza said, without any remorse, any shame, any sugarcoating. True horror swept over Aidan’s sweet face, his mouth parted like he couldn’t breath, his dark eyes watery, his face paler than ever before. It was the same exact look that Roy had given her when she’d asked him to burn her back, minus the weariness that war had heaped upon him.

“I don’t…” Aidan stared at her. “I don’t understand..”

Riza looked down at her hands, that old guilt seeping into her bones. It had been so long ago, a lifetime away, and yet she still felt the pain. “After what happened during the Ishval War…” She wondered if he had learned about the war in school or if it was too recent in history. “Do you know how it ended?”

“The Fuhrer issued an executive order that sent State Alchemists to the frontline,” Aidan answered, sounding as if he’d pulled it straight out of a book. God, he didn’t even know about King Bradley. He had no idea that the man had been more of a monster. When would they have to tell him about that? How could they? “Dad was one of them.” He fidgeted with the pen in his hands. “They don’t really talk about the Ishval War much in school, but there’s an Ishvalan kid in my class and he– He said that Dad had a lot to make up for after what he did there.”

“And you couldn’t just let that go,” Riza added.

“Well, no, I mean– I knew you were both in the military during that time, but I didn’t know…” Aidan sighed. “I asked some questions, but none of the teacher seemed eager to talk with me about it, probably worried I might talk with Dad about it. No one wants to openly talk bad about the Fuhrer to his son. So I had to look it up on my own. There still isn’t much on it, but I did find an old news article. The Hero of Ishval?”

Such a proud name, a strong title, something to make people look at Roy in awe – and fear. He’d hated it, but had worn it on his shoulders nonetheless. He refused to turn away from it. A hero to some, a nightmare to others. He had known the double meaning to it and accepted it. Every reason they had given him that title was true. He had done all this things. Incredible, awful, brilliant, and horrifying. He and his flame alchemy were all of it and more. She knew that firsthand. Aidan had never seen its dark side. They’d shielded him from it as best as they could.

“They gave your father that title for ending the war,” Riza told her son. “He was a good soldier. He did as he was ordered. He helped bring peace to our country after seven long years. But the cost…” She waited until Aidan looked back up at her. “After what happened, after what he did, after we learned what my father’s alchemy was capable of, I decided: there can be no more flame alchemists. No more. Not even you. Do you understand? It was too much, too powerful, too great. Even in the right hands, it  _devastated_  a country. In the wrong ones…”

“So you asked him to burn the transmutation array,” Aidan finished for her miserably, “so no one would know.”

Riza nodded. “Flame Alchemy will die with us.”

“ _Mom_ –” But his lips were trembling and his eyes were watering. Confusion, fear, understanding. He reached out for her and she leaned forward to pull him into her arms in an instant. She could feel tears soaking her collar from where he’d buried his face in her neck.

“Please,” she begged him, closing her eyes and holding him tight, “please don’t blame your father. He has done it enough for over two decades. Everything we did, everything we’ve fought for, was to make up for what we did. The transmutation notes were a burden on me that he lifted.”

“It wasn’t your alchemy,” Aidan mumbled against her.

“No, but–” She opened her eyes and slowly pulled away from him so that she could look him in the face again. There was still a film of tears over his eyes, but they weren’t falling. “Do you see now? Why I’m afraid?” She lifted a hand so that could swipe it across his wet cheek, looking him directly in the eyes. “It’s more than I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as us. I just… Alchemy is a thing unto itself. Your father learned alchemy to do good and with the best intentions, but alchemy has a life of its own. That kind of power – I’m just afraid of it hurting you, of it taking you away from me, turning you into someone you’re not.”

“Like Dad.” He gulped and turned his head away.

With her hand back on his cheek, she gently moved him to look back at her. “You’re not your father though – and you aren’t me. You are so much better and the world is different now. I have to acknowledge that. Alchemy is even different now. With the State Alchemist Program no longer attached to the military, it’s better. I have to believe that you won’t have the same pitfalls as we did.”

Aidan bit his lip. “Do you want me to stop studying alchemy?”

“Do you?” Riza asked in return. He knew the truth for the most part. If he had more questions – and she did not doubt that he would with time – she and Roy would have to answer them. The burns on her back did not hurt her any longer, but some wounds would never fully heal.

The look on his face was almost shameful as he admitted, “No, I don’t.” He pulled away to sit up straight. “I should stop – I should  _want_ to stop – after knowing what alchemy did to you. It hurt you so much. How can I want to learn about something that did so much bad?” He looked down at his hands again, turning them palm up. It was like he could see everything that he was and would be capable of. Good – he was capable of so much good. “But it makes me want to learn it more. I want you to be proud and to know I did better. I want to make things right.”

“That’s our responsibility,” Riza said, “not yours.”

“But it is,” Aidan told her, his voice firm. “You and Dad are doing what you can to right your wrongs. You’ve rebuilt this world for us.” He smiled at her. “And then it’ll be our turn to work with what you gave us to make it even better. I want to make sure that no one abuses alchemy like that again. I don’t want it to hurt anyone like it did you.”

Of course he would think like that. Of course Aidan would see it that way. Even though, he wanted to protect her. She could see the same fire in Aidan now that she saw in Roy back then. It was dangerous. Fire could be used to help or hurt. But she had to believe that Aidan would know better than they had – that he would see the signs that they had ignored and take a different path, a better one, a good one.

“Even if I can’t carry on the knowledge of flame alchemy like Dad – and I wouldn’t want to – I think… I think alchemy is kind of a part of our legacy, isn’t it?” Aidan turned and set the pen back on his desk. “None of us would be here without it. And I love it.  I’m good at it too – like really good, even without a teacher.” His cheeks turned pink a little. He was never one for bragging, not like Roy, but just hearing that confidence in Aidan’s voice made her smile again. “I can’t turn away from it now.”

“Then don’t,” Riza said. “Just be careful.”

“If I ever have any doubts about what I’m doing, I promise I’ll come to you or Dad,” Aidan replied. He sunk back in his chair and glanced outside his window. “I should probably talk to Dad when he gets home. Is he mad at me for hiding it?”

“I don’t think he’s ever been mad at you in his life.” Riza stood up and kissed Aidan on top of the forehead. He was too old for such things now, but in the privacy of their own home and after such an emotional talk, he let her do it without complaint. She was more grateful than he would know.

Aidan looked up at her. “Mom?”

“Yes?”

“I know you’re scared, but I’ll never let alchemy hurt you again. I’ll quit before I let that happen.”

She thought of Roy’s bashful explanation of his dream to help people while standing in front of her father’s grave. His eagerness to learn alchemy when they were kids. His triumphant laughs when he did something good for the first time and pleased grins when he presented her with something he had made. Of Edward’s and Alphonse’s desperation to see their mother again, to be held in her arms and see her smile and hear her voice. Edward’s promise to return his brother to his body.

She pictured Alphonse’s sacrifice on the Promised Day to save Edward. Of the little boy with golden hair and eyes who sat silently in a wheelchair missing a leg and arm. Roy’s cold eyes on the battlefield as flames exploded around him and people screamed. Of his promise to make up for his sins and the pain in them when he’d agreed to do what she asked of him. The shame and sorrow in his soul that he would never be able to fully shake.

And she saw her son, sitting at his desk, gazing up at her with such a determined and earnest expression. He had promised not to hurt her when he had seen the transmutation array on her back on those years ago. She could still hear it, but he sounded so much older now. When had he grown so much?

“I know,” Riza said, smoothing down his hair.

Perhaps, just as Edward had learned on the Promised Day, he would finally be the one to figure out how to control alchemy instead of letting it control him. Riza had to hope. That was all she could do as a mother.


	3. Chapter 3

The determined knock on his office door dragged Roy away from the papers on his desk.

It was tiresome work. Just as he’d suspected, once semi-comfortable relationships with bordering countries turned tense the second he had announced that the State Alchemist Program was officially separate from the military. He had known that it would make them bolder, even more aggressive in any discussions and push backs, but he had to stand firm.

Right now, Creta was the worst, but he knew that Aurego was lying in wait. For however much of an issue they had been for years, he knew that Drachma would not be a problem. They had been held back by Briggs and the North had a certain lack of alchemy that meant the change affected them little. When the Ishval War had come about and state alchemists had been sent to the frontlines, their own battle had gone on without a hitch. Creta was jumping the gun, but Aurego would be the problem. They knew state alchemists quite well.

It was driving Roy up a wall.

The interruption was a welcomed relief. He called out, “Come in!” and then slumped back in his chair, taking off the glasses Riza had forced him to get a year ago and taking a breath.

When the door slowly opened, just a bit, Roy glanced in the direction and found his son’s face peering inside. “Are you sure you aren’t busy?” Aidan asked tentatively. “I can come back later.”

Any thought that he might get back to work vanished. Roy sat up straight and waved him inside. He would much rather talk to his son than deal with this right now. Aidan stepped inside and shut the door behind himself with the sort of care that Roy knew that he’d inherited from Riza. He knew that Roy’s office was a sort of sanctuary in Aidan’s mind, even if it was just another room in the Fuhrer’s mansion to Roy. He’d spent enough nights thinking about King Bradley sitting in here to lose sleep.

As if unsure of his place, Aidan looked around awkwardly until finally he took a seat across from Roy on the other side of the desk. Instantly he began tapping his fingers on the armrest, which Roy found curious. He wasn’t used to his son looking so...antsy. Normally, he was able to hide his emotions well enough, considering that he was teenage boy. It came from having two parents that hid their emotions  _ because _ it was their job.

“Is everything okay?” Roy asked, realizing that Aidan was waiting for a prompt.

“What?” Aidan blinked, his eyes shooting to Roy’s. Just like his. Hell, he forgot how much Aidan looked like him. It was like looking into a mirror from the past. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

So he was being evasive then, meaning that he didn’t know what he wanted to say. That was very unlike Aidan. He normally went into things with a game plan. Maybe he’d had one, but the second it had come time to follow the script, he’d hesitated.

Roy set his glasses down on the desk and leaned forward. “Aidan, was there something you wanted to talk about?”

It took a few seconds, but finally, Aidan let out a sigh and looked him dead in the eyes. And Roy knew. He knew exactly why Aidan had come in here and a thrill shot through him. Some parents had The Talk. He and Riza had tried to have that one with Aidan and he had sighed and told them that he wasn’t interested but if he was he would make sure to use protection. That had been a shock to the system.

This talk though? This was the one that Roy had been looking forward to ever since Riza had found that alchemy array in Aidan’s room.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and Mom that I was studying alchemy,” Aidan finally said. Straight to the heart of the matter. How like his mother.

“Why didn’t you?”

Aidan tore his eyes away from Roy and gazed down at his hands in his lap. He didn’t fiddle with them like others might. He kept them still, even as his mind was clearly racing. He’d probably spent the past few days going over this talk in his head, but thinking it was much different than facing it. “I didn’t want to upset Mom. I know she doesn’t act like it, but I could tell that she doesn’t like alchemy and I was worried she’d be disappointed.”

“Your mother would never be disappointed in you following your dreams,” Roy pointed out carefully. Riza had told Roy what she and their son had talked about. It had been a hard thing to swallow, realizing that Aidan finally knew the truth. She had told him the bare bones of it, giving Roy the opportunity to fill in the rest of the details.

Gods, Aidan knew about Roy burning the alchemy array on Riza’s back. He wished he could pluck Aidan’s exact thoughts on the matter right out of his head, but Aidan’s eyes were closed off. As honest as he was trying to be, he was hiding how he felt as well. They should’ve expected him to turn out like this with how they’d raised him, but it was hard as a parent to know that his child had separated them from a part of his life.

“You…” Aidan sighed. “Why did you want to learn alchemy?”

Roy leaned back in his chair as he thought back. “Because I wanted to help people. I thought that’s what alchemists did. I wanted to do some good in the world.” He smiled as he remembered how eager and bright-eyed he had been as a child. “I used to bug Madam Christmas all the time for books on alchemy, even if I didn’t understand them. I did my first transmutation when I was ten. One of the girls dropped a glass and it broke. I drew a circle and scooped up the broken pieces and put it back together. I was...proud. Excited. I’d never felt that before.”

Aidan nodded his head in understanding. Roy was sad that he had missed his son’s first transmutation. What had he done? What had he accomplished? The array that Riza had found was complex enough for Roy to know that Aidan had been practicing. More than likely he had been practicing alchemy while hanging out with Bran, so that he could easily get away with saying that he was hanging out with his best friend and not tell them all the truth.

If you didn’t say something, then it wasn’t the truth -- it wasn’t real. That was what they had taught him all those years ago, right? Not to call Roy his father. Not to act as if he was Roy’s son. That way no one outside of their immediate circle would know.

They’d done this and Roy knew it.

“Why are you interested in alchemy?” Roy asked.

Aidan locked eyes with him and this time there was an intensity in them that reminded Roy of himself. A kind of fire that could not be put out even if it stormed. “I want to make alchemy better. I want to make it  _ good  _ again.”

It didn’t make any sense at first, but then Roy understood exactly what Aidan meant. Despite everything, Roy loved alchemy to this day. It was a part of him -- a part of his body, mind, and soul. He had seen that when he’d been forced to perform human transmutation and had gone through the Gate. What he had also seen was the horror that alchemy had caused, all the pain and suffering. Alchemy was a selfish thing in a way. What he wouldn’t give to see alchemy the same way as he had as a child. To know that it was meant to do good only.

“I know you didn’t want to hurt her,” Aidan said with a quiet intensity. “I know that using your flame alchemy in the Ishval War felt like a betrayal of your dreams.” He curled his hands into fists on top of his legs. “I know it was used against you.”

That was a good way of putting it. When he had been forced to use his flame alchemy to end the Ishval War, it had felt like the everything that he had hoped for. All of it gone up in smoke and fire. He hadn’t been a soldier; he had been a weapon. The very thing he loved turned him into a monster. It had shaken him more than he liked to admit. Of course he had recovered and he’d scraped his way to the top, but even now, he could still remember the first time he’d taken life with the very thing he’d dreamed of saving lives with. It was like falling into an abyss.

“I’m...really glad that you were able to separate the State Alchemist Program and the government,” Aidan said. It been a hard fought battle. The Program had been so intrinsically tied into the military and not everyone had agreed with Roy’s proposal. Some State Alchemists had been relieved that their scientific funding was no longer being held hostage by the military, but some had not wanted to give up their military titles. Forcing them to choose one or the other had put many people at odds with him.

Roy hadn’t cared. The public wasn’t aware that the program had been specifically created with the intentions of producing alchemists that could perform human transmutation without dying from the blowback. It had been made to create philosopher’s stones out of lives. He would destroy the program completely before allowing it to continue being a part of the military and government.

Aidan gave him a determined look. “But I’m going to make it better.”

“You think so?” Roy queried.

“I know so,” Aidan replied, suddenly sounding more like a man than a child. Roy could see the seriousness in his son’s eyes. This must have been something that he had been thinking about since his talk with Riza, maybe even longer.

How Roy could have missed his son’s interest in alchemy seemed so absurd. Aidan must have been following every move that Roy had made while dealing with the State Alchemist program. He had listened and watched and read everything he could. He had spent countless days practicing and studying on his own. It was no wonder that they had raised a son who could be so sneaky when he wanted to be, but seeing this passion in Aidan now made it all the more incredible that he’d hid it for so long. It looked like a fire had been lit in him.

“It was just a curiosity at first, you know? Your flame alchemy was the coolest thing in the world. When you weren’t home -- when it was just me and Mom -- if I woke up and had a nightmare but didn’t want to wake Mom, I would lie in bed and pretend that I could create fire just like you to light up my room.”

Aidan closed his eyes, picturing those long, dark nights. The guilt for his absence was there like a weight on Roy’s soul, but after their fight, Aidan had let go of the last bit of anger he’d unknowingly held inside. It had brought them closer, as if an invisible wall that Aidan had created was finally ripped down, but clearly it still had not been enough for him to open up completely. He would always hold a part of himself back. Roy didn’t know what to think of it.

“When we moved in, I found some of your alchemy textbooks one night while wandering around. I thought I might find out some stuff about your flame alchemy -- I didn’t, of course, and for good reason -- but it didn’t stop me. I kept going back and reading more and it just...” Aidan opened his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. “I wanted to see if I could do alchemy and when I did it felt… It felt  _ right _ . Like I’d been missing a piece of me and finally found what I hadn’t even known wasn’t there.”

That was how Roy had felt when he’d asked Riza to marry him. She had been right there -- his son had been right there -- but he’d still been missing them. He would never be able to describe how he felt the first time he came back to the Fuhrer’s mansion and Aidan had been there, waiting for him, rushing into his arms as Roy had pictured a hundred times. It had been exactly what he’d lacked in his life. Hughes had tried to tell him for so long and he hadn’t listened.

“I know why you didn’t tell your mom,” Roy said, trying not to sound hurt. “But why didn’t you tell me?”

At this, Aidan kind of chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, looking up at the ceiling in embarrassment. “I don’t know. I was mostly hiding it from Mom, so I guess I didn’t want to put you in the position to lie to her. That and I… I don’t know.” His cheeks burned a little. “I wanted it to be my own.”

There it was. Alchemy was a selfish creature by nature.

“You would’ve progressed faster with my help, you know,” Roy pointed out.

“I think I did fairly well on my own,” Aidan replied confidently. Then, he hesitated before adding, “Well, not totally on my own. I did have, uh, a little help.”

Roy smirked. “Let me guess: Sara Elric.”

Aidan’s eyes widened a little. “How did you know?”

“You two call each other often enough,” Roy explained. “I figured you were either helping each other with alchemy or carrying on a long distance relationship, but you never asked to visit or vice versa.”

Blush rushed to Aidan’s cheeks now. “That’s ridiculous. I’m too young to date.”

“But not young enough to study alchemy?”

Aidan scoffed, completely undeterred. “Uncle Ed was a State Alchemist at my age, so I should think not.” Talking about his love life and any crushes threw him off more than something as serious as this. He could face this head on, but would avoid that as much as he could. Silly kid. He wouldn’t be able to avoid it for long, not with the way Roy caught Ally looking at Aidan sometimes. “Dad?”

Roy came back to the present. “Yeah?”

“If you knew what your alchemy would do, would you still want to learn it?”

The question took Roy aback, but it was obviously something that Aidan had been thinking about. Truth be told, he had asked himself that question many times. He wouldn’t be where he was without alchemy. He couldn’t imagine his life without it. Maybe he’d be running the bar or a businessman. He wouldn’t have any blood on his hands. He wouldn’t have been able to destroy so much.

Without alchemy though, there would be no Riza. There would’ve been no Hughes, Edward, or Alphonse. There wouldn’t be his team. Without alchemy, Roy never would have had Aidan and for son, Roy was willing to give up everything that he had. Roy could not picture his life without his family even more.

“Yeah,” Roy told his son, “I would.”

Aidan smiled. “Me too. Even after everything Mom told me, I knew it was the right thing to do.”

And Roy knew that it was the right thing for Aidan. He saw how happy it made him, despite knowing some of its dark history, but he what he saw most was a boy that knew better than he had. If it ever came to it, Roy knew that Aidan would turn his back on alchemy before he let it hurt someone he loved. Aidan would keep the promise that Roy had forsaken in Ishval. He would be  _ better _ . He didn’t just have a good heart; he had a good mind. Maybe it was still a child’s naivety, but he would fight for his dream with everything he had.

That was really all Roy could hope for as a father, could he not?


End file.
